So, I have a web page where you can ask me anything and I’ll always answer honestly. I’ve received a question asking me about the weirdest sex toy I’ve ever used and I thought the answer was worth a blog post, so here it is.
There are a lot of toys out there that could compete for the world’s weirdest – only this morning I was reading about a life-like male sex doll that has some sort of artificial intelligence and is coated in the sort of real-feel “skin” that good realistic dildos use. Anyway you look at that its basically a life sized dead body that can talk like a robot and is always horny, if that’s not weird I don’t know what is. Then there are sex machines, these aren’t your usual dildos and vibrators these are machines designed to fuck you – they’re big and brutal looking things like the eXtreme plow, which is basically a big dildo fitted to a motorised ram that will literally ram the dildo into you over and over as fast or slow and as deep as you want it for however long you can take it. I’ve never tried that, though I admit I’d quite like to. Why’s that weird? Well it’s a giant ugly machine whose only purpose is to fuck you mercilessly that’s kinda weird, no? Then there’s the Sybian, which I have tried and is absolu-fucking-lutely amazing!! The one I tried had a dildo on it making it more of a Cowgirl, although I think they’re the same thing just with a new name so the manufacturers can sell twice as many.
None of these are the weirdest sex toy in the world, I think that “honour” has to go to Primal Hardwere’s Ovipositor range, although frankly they do have some other really weird shit on their site too.
So, I had the pleasure of the Splorch. It’s basically a *big* silcone dildo with a hollow centre that you push gelatin eggs through to “impregnate” yourself. When I say that this thing is big, I mean it. I have one of these 9″ realistic dildos that I love and it’s big but check out the size chart, maximum girth is 5.5″. The circumference of the Splorch (without an egg) is over 6″ and once you have eggs in there it rises to an eye-watering 8″ or near as damn it anyway so the circumference of the Splorch is almost the same as the usable length of a big dildo.
It’s big but that’s not the only weird thing about the Splorch, unlike every other toy I’ve ever used you have to spend a lot of time making your eggs (mould for the eggs is sold separately). It’s pretty simple you just make some gelatin mix up, put it in the moulds then put the halves together to make an egg. Once set you’re good to go. Now you should make it completely plain but I admit we did once use a little blue food colouring – I got away with it but I’ve since learned that this is a really bad idea.
So, the eggs were set and all that was left was for some sexy alien insect being to come and impregnate me. Well, my then boyfriend, Richard, had to play his part which he managed despite his obvious lack of acting ability (he almost kept a straight face at one point). Anyway, I knew exactly what I wanted. This whole scene had come about because I watched a space show with aliens who were insects and who captured some humans. Somehow the idea of being their prisoner and being raped by them got into my mind and turned me on a lot (I may have been a bit drunk but the idea stayed with me).
I was taken “prisoner” in the living room, immediately stripped and blindfolded then made to kneel. Richard, now in full alien insect mode so I shall call him Splorch for the rest of this post, handcuffed my wrists behind my back and put a leather collar around my neck – you’d have thought these advanced aliens would have some kinda of super-advanced restraint system but nope good ole fashioned metal cuffs. With me helpless, Splorch took out his huge ovipositor – if you don’t know (and why would you?) a ovipositor is a tube that female insects and fish deposit their eggs so this fantasy really makes no sense, but fuck you for trying to bring my weird fantasy down with boring old reality. I felt the slippery tip of his ovipositor rub across my face leaving thick alien goo on my skin. I opened my mouth, doing my best to suck on this huge shaft, which I just about managed. Splorch’s alien insect goo tasted good, just like my favourite strawberry lube as it happens, but I could tell I wasn’t pleasing him. Sure enough, Splorch took his ovipositor away and forced me to my feet.
I was manhandled (should that be insecthandled) through Splorch’s alien spaceship to the dining room where I was forced to bend over the dining table with my legs spread wide as my new alien-insect-overlord placed a spreader bar between my ankles and added cuffs to each ankle that were in turn connected to ropes to the far side of the table where my wrists were uncuffed together and cuffed into the ropes connected to my ankles leaving me stretched across the table: naked, defenceless and exposed.
Splorch must have knelt behind me. I felt a finger inside me then a tongue began eating me. Splorch was a kind rapist who made me cum hard and fast. I was very wet but Splorch added more lube to my lady parts until I felt like Splash Mountain down there. I felt his equally wet ovipositor against me. His cold insect flesh felt strange for moment but he entered me surprisingly easy causing me to strain against my restraints as the moment of my rape at the hands (feelers maybe) of my alien overlord finally arrived.
That big blue shaft fucked me mercilessly until I came a second time just from the feel of him inside me (and the fact that Splorch was rubbing my clit as he fucked me). He was deep inside me and, I have to admit, just the presence of his big thick ovipositor was enough to completely consume my attention. But then things changed. I could feel something happening behind me, but I was still blindfolded and restrained so I could see nothing and do nothing about it.
Splorch’s ovipositor felt like it was convulsing inside me and suddenly I felt myself being stretched wider than I think I’ve ever been stretched outside a doctors exam room. I could feel something travelling down the shaft then a second one and a third. Splorch was pulling his ovipositor out of me but a fourth egg – I was sure by now that they were eggs – was laid inside me before he was out. As each egg passed down the shaft into me, I felt a little tinge of pleasure in my already excited insides. At the moment his ovipositor exited me the thought of the four eggs inside me was enough to give me a mini-orgasm.
I felt the eggs inside me for a few moments. It’s a very weird feeling. First they’re there and hard, especially the ones not so deep inside. But within a few minutes the eggs began to melt away as my body heats them up. Pretty soon I had a feeling of an immense amount of thick sticky liquid inside me. It’s impossible to hold it inside you no matter how hard you squeeze yourself so pretty soon I had alien egg cum pouring out of my pussy and either dripping onto the wooden floor below or running down my legs, past my knees, over my ankles to pool around my feet.
Splorch kept me tied down for about 10 minutes. When he finally let me up another lake of alien cum spewed out of me.
I had the pleasure of watching this back on video later and I have to admit that seeing this thick blue cum pouring out as if I’d been gangbanged by an alien horde did turn me on again. Richard later admitted that he thought about fucking me before untying me but the blue mess put him off.
I showered after and gave Richard his pleasure with my mouth as the water poured over us both.
Luckily we stayed in that night because I was experiencing blue leakage all night long! Not torrents or anything but every so often more would appear. It was quite distracting but also a kinda sexy reminder that I’d been fucked by an alien that evening.
If you think you have a weirder sex story then tell me about it.